Grieving, forgiveness, and gratitude

These practices don't stand alone. We can and will integrate many of these practices in our lives. Certainly we understand the need for forgiveness as part of our grieving process, if only that when we suffer a loss we are left to deal with the consequences and may well feel angry about that, and forgiveness is a way to move through anger and hurt.

But what about gratitude and grieving? Is there value in our "blues?" David Steindl-Rast thinks that we can mine our grief for gratefulness. He suggests several reflective practices as a way to get to what we can be grateful for in our grief that we will also begin to explore in future sessions.

Grieving: relieving suffering

There is some wonderful writing and resources about grief, and many of the techniques that we have already discussed can be effective tools in grieving. This excerpt lists a number of them.

Book Review by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat
Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart
by Stephen Levine
"Feelings of loss don't go away; they go deeper. When we lose or never exercise what we need or love, we call the hard contraction in the mind and body 'suffering,' " writes Levine. This apathy and angst can be alleviated by spiritual exercises designed to heal the mind, body, and soul. They include breathing exercises, keeping a grief journal, tracking sorrow through the body, talking to the dead, walking, silence, attending the mindset of loss, breaking the isolation of fear, forgiveness, overcoming perfection, singing, saying goodbye to loved ones through "heart speech," practicing loving-kindness, tapping the heart to draw awareness and healing into that area (see excerpt), and much more.

Levine outlines the three stages to working with mental and physical sorrow: softening the pain, cultivating mercy, and making peace with loss. We liked the mantra he suggests for those who are unhinged by chronic sorrow: "May I get the most out of this possible." We also were gratified to see Levine emphasize the importance of opening the heart through love, compassion, and forgiveness — three spiritual practices that are always emphasized in the religious traditions as curative and restorative measures.

Forgiveness rituals

I was reminded after today's discussion of the power of ritual to heal, and thought of a couple of personal rituals that you might do to let go of hurt and anger. You could also ask friends to join you in these rituals.

Write what hurt you on a small piece of paper. Go to a body of water (running water if possible), wrap the paper around a rock, say a prayer asking for release, and throw the rock in. Use newspaper or newsprint as being most biodegradable.

You could instead take the piece of paper that you've written on, and mindfully, prayerfully, get out a plate, light candles and then fold and light the piece of paper on fire (mindfully, carefully) and put it on the plate, so that your hurt or anger goes up in smoke. Then wash the plate to cleanse away the ashes of what remains.

What other variations can you think of?

We also need to think about setting limits because forgiveness is not forgetting or consenting to be a doormat. You could also use an origami paper box as a way of framing your limits--write them inside what will be the folds, and then fold up your hurts inside those limits.

You could also write what you want to let go of on a piece of paper that you fold into a boat and then you could set it floating away. Perhaps we'll combine some of these things when we get to the practice of creating and fostering creativity.

A perhaps apocryphal, but wonderful, origami forgiveness story is about the young girl from Hiroshima who folded a thousand peace cranes in a quest for peace.

Forgiveness: awareness and practices

Ways to Practice
Before going to sleep, consciously let go of the hurts and angers of the day. Regard each evening as the beginning of a new day. This could be the bookend to starting the day with gratitude.

Face your most recent experience of when forgiveness did not happen. Can you find forgiveness by walking in the shoes of the other person? Are you willing to speak truthfully and patiently about your personal conflicts?

Write a letter to someone whom you are working to forgive. You don't have to mail it, but spell out what it is you can't forgive and how it affects you.

Write a letter asking for forgiveness. You might not be able to mail it, but the writing all by itself will be powerful.

Try the practices of t'shuvah: make amends, repent and apologize, and figure out how not to do that again.

Forgiveness: Bible quotes

[Moses is bargaining with God, when God has become angry with the Israelites' grumbling and lack of faith as they reach the Promised Land. Moses reminds God of God's promises and says:]

"And now, therefore, let the power of the Lord be great in the way that you promised when you spoke, saying, "The Lord is slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the parents upon the children to the third and the fourth generation.' Forgive the iniquity of this people according to the greatness of your steadfast love, just as you have pardoned this people, from Egypt even until now."
Then the Lord said, "I do forgive, just as you have asked; nevertheless -- as I live, and as all the earth shall be filled with the glory of the Lord -- none of the people who have seen my glory and the signs that I did in Egypt and in the wilderness, and yet have tested me these ten times and have not obeyed my voice, shall see the land that I swore to give to their ancestors; none of those who despised me shall see it.
--Numbers 14:17 - 23

One who forgives an affront fosters friendship,
but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend.
--Proverbs 17:9

Then Peter came and said to Jesus, "Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy times seven."
-- Matthew 18:21-22


So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another. Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil. ... Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.
-- Ephesians 4:25-32

Forgiveness goes both directions

As I write this Yom Kippur is in a couple of days, which means that we are ending the forty days of spiritual preparation for Yom Kippur, Elul-Tishrei. As a visitor to Jewish traditions I find that the cycles and rhythms of the holidays and observations that the rabbis have developed in interpreting the Torah are psychologically very sound and wise. They allow for forty days for us to work up to asking for forgiveness, to turn things over, to let go, to begin again.

"Rabbi Andrea Weiss teaches that the month of Elul serves as a special transitional moment, reflecting the traditional image of bein hashamashot, literally 'between the suns.' She suggests that Elul (late August, early September) is 'a bridge between summer and fall, between long sunny days and crisp afternoons full of color and wind ... between who we are and what we want to be; between regret and repentance, guilt and renewal; between the frustration of accepted patterns and the promise to change.'
... According to tradition, Moses descended Mount Sinai on Rosh Hodesh Elul (the new moon of Elul) only to find that the Israelites had built a golden calf. After he shattered the two stone tablets in his hands, he once again climbed the mountain to receive the second set. He descended for the second time on the tenth of Tishrei, the day we observe Yom Kippur. We are taught that the Israelites spent the forty days during Moses' second mountain sojourn in t'shuvah (repentance), readying themselves to receive God's word.
... The great medieval philosopher Moses Maimonides, the Rambam, describes ... the three stages of t'shuvah: regret, rejection, and resolution. We first feel sorry for what we did (and so we make amends); then when we are confronted with the sin again, we don't repeat it ( that's how we know we really have repented); and finally we commit ourselves to a better life through righteous living (that's what fills our days ahead)." [from Preparing Your Hearts for the High Holy Days by Kerry M. Olitzky and Rachel T. Sabath]

T'shuvah is a complex concept, so I invite you to explore it further here or here. Whether or not you practice these traditions, they offer us wisdom and guidance about taking the time to examine what weighs on us and what gets in our way, and assurance that there is a Power beyond us as flawed individuals that, if we let go, turn it over, will help us open to new beginnings.

Forgiveness: healing and reconciliation

I've written about my own journey through forgiveness into healing and would invite you to think about the healing powers of forgiveness in your life. This is one of the most powerful restorative practices. You can focus the breathing and progressive relaxation exercises we learned on the parts of the body where you hold a grudge or can't let go of fears. Where do you physically hold the anger, hurt or bitterness? Listen to your body and let your mind and body work together toward emotional, spiritual and mental healing.

Here are some good resources about forgiveness on the Internet: psychological research on forgiveness, approaches to forgiveness, assessing your capacity or willingness to forgive right now for a certain situation, powerful real-life stories about forgiveness, even detailed steps on how to work your way through forgiveness.

Forgiveness: a safe place to practice

Forgiveness is a powerful and scary practice. I think it's important to note that forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened or letting bad things happen to us again. Forgiveness often must go with setting limits. But lack of forgiveness is a burden that we carry, and we are the only ones who can lighten our own load. In order to do the hard work that goes with forgiveness we need to operate from a place of safety.

In Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood, Wayne Muller suggests that we need to do the work of forgiveness from a safe place. He writes (p. 13-14), "Find a small corner in a bedroom or some other quiet place in your home. This will become your place of refuge, your personal spiritual sanctuary. ... Find a low table, bench, or even a cardboard box, and drape it with some pleasing material, using this as a focal point for your own journey. ... Allow yourself to visualize what is most beautiful, inspiring, or sacred in your life, those thing that represent the healing, inward journey of your heart. ... Collect a few of those meaningful objects and place them on table. ...
Make time each day to sit in your place of refuge. ... You only need sit, feel and listen. Allow this to be a place without judgment or expectation, a new home, a place of rest."

This could be your listening space as well, and/or your meditation space and your thank you space.

Forgiveness: the practice and the dance

"Practicing forgiveness can produce dramatic transformations in our imaginations and the psychological, social and political horizons of our lives." --L. Gregory Jones

In Practicing Our Faith, ed. by Dorothy Bass, Jones writes, "The practice of forgiveness is not simply a one-time action or an isolated feeling or thought. Forgiveness involves us in a whole way of life that is shaped by an ever-deepening friendship with God and with other people. The central goal of this practice is to reconcile, to restore communion - with God, with one another, and with the whole creation. Forgiveness works through our ongoing willingness to give up certain claims against one another, to give the truth when we access our relationships with one another, and to give gifts of ourselves by making innovative gestures that offer a future not bound by the past."

He describes forgiveness as a dance. Once we know the steps we can do them more rapidly and vary the sequence. As we are learning it is good to take it more slowly.

The Dance of Forgiveness from Practicing Our Faith, p. 138-9
a. We become willing to speak truthfully and patiently about the conflicts that have arisen.
b. We acknowledge both the existence of anger and bitterness and a desire to overcome them.
c. We summon up a concern for the well-being of the other, as a fellow human being, or as a child of God.
d. We recognize our own complicity in conflict, remember that we have been forgiven in the past, and take the step of repentance.
e. We make a commitment to struggle to change whatever caused and continues to perpetuate our conflicts.
f. We confess our yearning for the possibility of reconciliation.

What truth have you not spoken?
What anger or bitterness are you carrying?
How can you acknowledge the other?
What is your part in the issue, if only holding on?
What can you change?
Do you want reconciliation or only revenge?

So is your dance of forgiveness a waltz, the twist, a tango, or something else?