The soul is not some metaphysical construct, not separate from the body, mind and emotions. The soul is the same essence as, is the spark from, the Divine, and so theologians struggle to find metaphors for something that is omnipresent within each person. Ronald Rolheiser defines it: "Our soul is not something that we have, it is more something we are. It is the very life-pulse within us, that which makes us alive."(Ronald Rolheiser, The Holy Longing, New York, NY: Doubleday, 1999, p. 12) So, keeping the soul cannot neglect the physical self, the mental self, the emotional self, or any part of one's self. Keeping the soul is central to each person's health, wholeness and well-being. Paradoxically, why then is soul keeping such a challenge, especially for ministry?
There is a certain inherent arrogance, yet vulnerability in many of the helping professions. Feeling the call to ministry, to teaching, or to service says on one hand that one knows that she has something worthwhile to give, while on the other, when facing burnout, fearing that there's really nothing worth giving inside. This echoes the dynamic in the soul as the desire to give, and give—pouring out energy, is balanced against our need to seek union and communion with the divine, with the still small voice in ourselves. Rolheiser explains that the soul has two functions: it must keep us energized and vibrant, full of desire, and it must keep us glued together or integrated, in oneness, and that "these two functions of the soul are always in a creative tension." (Rolheiser, p. 13-14.) If these two functions are out of balance, then going to the extreme of either can lead to one's end: a wild dissipation of energy or a slow stultification or turning completely inward and stagnant. Soul keeping then must include the practices that provide energy, the practices that encourage oneness, and the practices that bring those two into balance. Through life's demands, as ministers and as people, we lose touch with either our desires or our integration, or sometimes both. As we seek recovery in our spiritual selves, we then have to recognize our default soul patterns, and have to find compensating practices, and incentivizing and motivating practices to restore balance. Soul keeping is about finding and owning the spiritual practices that both fill the energy well, and sustain the integrated self: mind, body, spirit. It is not just about the reflective and quiet; it must also be about the vibrant and exciting. Soul keeping may be alone or within community or sometimes, too often, in spite of the community.
Where to start then, with those practices? "This is the first, wildest, and wisest thing I know," says Mary Oliver, "that the soul exists, and that it is built entirely out of attentiveness." (Quoted in Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness, San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2004, p. 34.) Thus out of the tension of the soul's creative functions must come attention, and also intention, a stretching toward (from the Latin tendere) that is both readiness and resolve. (Webster's 9th Collegiate dictionary) Webster's Dictionary alternatively defines attention as notice or observation. First, then, in soul keeping, especially as ministers, we need to open our eyes, our ears, our selves to what is around us. Especially in things that don't nurture our souls we are barraged with what's going on, and that is much of the problem, because it leads to inattention. "Two streams in our culture contribute to our inattention. One is secularism, which regards the human self as a social construct with no created core; the other is moralism, which regards all concern for self as "selfish." (Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness, p. 35.) To pay attention, we must know or discover the love of God the creator for each of us, and we must reflect that love for and in ourselves and in everything else as part of God's creation. We are unique souls, loving, loved and lovable. We must tend ourselves, and love ourselves.
All of the practices that we have discussed, have done, and continue to do link together, and as well link to that great commandment of love present in all of the great faith traditions. It is, in summary, to love ourselves, our neighbors and our God. I define spirituality as being in relationship with yourself, others, the Other--as you experience or express that which is greater than you, and with all of creation/the universe. We are all spiritual beings, and it is my hope that in sharing these practices with you that you and I are becoming more spiritually, mentally and emotionally healthy and whole and able to be in loving relationship with ourselves and with others and with God, the Divine and Whole Other. Perhaps we are not yet Olympic caliber in our emotional, mental and spiritual health, but we have practices that point the way.
Thank you for sharing yourselves, your stories, your sacred time and for listening attentively to my stories as well. My thanks also to those classmates, colleagues, teachers and spiritual leaders who companion me and have guided and are guiding my own work and journey on this path for spiritual wholeness. I hope that they see the fruit of their work and of the Spirit reflected here. I suspect this will be my final posting on this blog for a while, as I must focus on other projects for a while. I welcome your comments both here and directly.
Showing posts with label Practice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Practice. Show all posts
Monday, October 8, 2007
Spaciousness/Sabbath keeping
(This is an excerpt from a longer reflection on spaciousness, found here.)
While many practices emphasize a special or sacred place, spaciousness or Sabbath keeping is about making time special or holy. While it would certainly be wonderful if you could make 24 hours each week special and spacious, it is possible to create a sense of spaciousness and Sabbath in less time.
Especially in the caring professions, we must make an intentional choice, an attentive choice to create space. Spaciousness is something we are called to in our lives and practices. "From the biblical Hebrew, the letters yodh and shin combine to form a root that connotes 'space and the freedom and security which is gained by the removal of constriction.'" (Gerald May, "Entering the Emptiness" in Simpler Living, Compassionate Life, Denver, CO: Living the Good News, 1999, p. 43)
There are three primary ways of having spaciousness in one's life: form (uncluttered and open, physical), time (pauses from demands) and soul (inner emptiness, openness and possibility). (May, p. 42-49) We are reminded of the fourth commandment, to remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. "Sabbath was meant to be a day of spaciousness in form, time and soul. It was to be an uncluttered day, a day not filled up, a day of rest and appreciation, a day of freedom just to be." (May, p. 44)
He also talks about the way that we fill our spaces or dull our awareness with television, phone calls, or a drink, to name a few. He challenges us to "realign our attitudes toward spaciousness. We must begin to see it as presence rather than absence, friend instead of enemy." Even our practices of prayer, meditation or reflection have become filled with spiritual activity, allowing no real space.
At the time, when I read that, I realized that what I most wanted and needed at that moment was some spaciousness. So after I'd put my daughter to bed, put in a load of laundry, and finished that thirty pages of reading, I looked for a spacious moment. I lit two beeswax tapers and turned out the light. I stretched, working the kinks out of my body from sitting all day. I chose several pieces of recorded music that have been spiritually connecting to me, and I sat down and stared into the candle flame, and just let myself be.
It may not have been much more than 15-20 minutes, but what a gift it was.
Then in another essay from Aurora Levins Morales, from her book Medicine Stories, she talks still more powerfully about spaciousness. She talks about leaving victimhood behind. "So what comes to mind is the high price we pay when we settle for being wronged. Victimhood absolves us from having to decide to have good lives. It allows us to stay small and wounded instead of spacious, powerful and whole. We don't have to face up to our own responsibility for taking charge of things, for changing the world and ourselves." Being spacious is freeing.
Find a motif for spaciousness in your everyday life. I am a tea drinker, and my favorite tea is Earl Grey, which is flavored with oil of bergamot. I usually buy loose tea and brew a pot each morning. I ran out a week and a half ago, but had a box of Earl Grey tea bags that carried me over for the week of class. The box of 25 bags cost $1.69. It takes two bags to make a strong enough pot of tea for my tastes. I was going to meet a friend Friday night and on my way I could pass the tea store in Harvard Square, so I went in early to get my tea. They sell their tea in grams, not pounds, so I always have to stop and think about the conversion, but last night I was too tired to ask for it in grams, but I thought I remembered how much I had paid the last time. So I asked the person at the counter for $25.00 worth of bin 212 (which is the Harvard Square Earl Grey) because I said I couldn't remember how many grams. He did a quick price check and said, "That's 250 grams. That's a lot of tea." I was struck by how odd it seemed to me that he would think that. He's selling tea, after all. I said, "I have a tin that size that it fits in, and that way I don't have to worry about running out and having to get it so often."
I realized that the whole thing around loose tea and this particular flavored tea has layers of meaning for me. I calculated that if I bought boxes of bagged tea, instead of loose, that I could get 6 months of tea for the same $25 that currently lasts me two months. So, I started to do that as I was looking for ways to save money as I started back to school. But then it seemed like I had to buy tea every time I went to the store, and I don't really have room in my cupboard to store two months worth of boxed tea. So I went back to buying loose tea. In reflection now, I realize that I like the ritual of putting the loose tea in the tea ball in the morning. I like being a "real" tea drinker with a teapot--it feels like part of a heritage of tea and civility, and soothing, and a tea bag doesn't quite meet those ritual requirements. Making tea is also a part of my morning quiet/meditation time, so it is a part of that ritual, so the ritual elements of the making are important somehow. I like having an abundant supply of tea in the cupboard so that I don't feel like I'm operating from scarcity. I like going into the tea store and asking for my favorite blend. I like that personal interaction around this symbol of civility and spaciousness, rather than throwing the box on the conveyor at the grocery store.
The hymn that came to mind as I was thinking about this and about the reading from Gerald May that talked about spaciousness again was what I used as my morning prayer:
While many practices emphasize a special or sacred place, spaciousness or Sabbath keeping is about making time special or holy. While it would certainly be wonderful if you could make 24 hours each week special and spacious, it is possible to create a sense of spaciousness and Sabbath in less time.
Especially in the caring professions, we must make an intentional choice, an attentive choice to create space. Spaciousness is something we are called to in our lives and practices. "From the biblical Hebrew, the letters yodh and shin combine to form a root that connotes 'space and the freedom and security which is gained by the removal of constriction.'" (Gerald May, "Entering the Emptiness" in Simpler Living, Compassionate Life, Denver, CO: Living the Good News, 1999, p. 43)
There are three primary ways of having spaciousness in one's life: form (uncluttered and open, physical), time (pauses from demands) and soul (inner emptiness, openness and possibility). (May, p. 42-49) We are reminded of the fourth commandment, to remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. "Sabbath was meant to be a day of spaciousness in form, time and soul. It was to be an uncluttered day, a day not filled up, a day of rest and appreciation, a day of freedom just to be." (May, p. 44)
He also talks about the way that we fill our spaces or dull our awareness with television, phone calls, or a drink, to name a few. He challenges us to "realign our attitudes toward spaciousness. We must begin to see it as presence rather than absence, friend instead of enemy." Even our practices of prayer, meditation or reflection have become filled with spiritual activity, allowing no real space.
At the time, when I read that, I realized that what I most wanted and needed at that moment was some spaciousness. So after I'd put my daughter to bed, put in a load of laundry, and finished that thirty pages of reading, I looked for a spacious moment. I lit two beeswax tapers and turned out the light. I stretched, working the kinks out of my body from sitting all day. I chose several pieces of recorded music that have been spiritually connecting to me, and I sat down and stared into the candle flame, and just let myself be.
It may not have been much more than 15-20 minutes, but what a gift it was.
Then in another essay from Aurora Levins Morales, from her book Medicine Stories, she talks still more powerfully about spaciousness. She talks about leaving victimhood behind. "So what comes to mind is the high price we pay when we settle for being wronged. Victimhood absolves us from having to decide to have good lives. It allows us to stay small and wounded instead of spacious, powerful and whole. We don't have to face up to our own responsibility for taking charge of things, for changing the world and ourselves." Being spacious is freeing.
Find a motif for spaciousness in your everyday life. I am a tea drinker, and my favorite tea is Earl Grey, which is flavored with oil of bergamot. I usually buy loose tea and brew a pot each morning. I ran out a week and a half ago, but had a box of Earl Grey tea bags that carried me over for the week of class. The box of 25 bags cost $1.69. It takes two bags to make a strong enough pot of tea for my tastes. I was going to meet a friend Friday night and on my way I could pass the tea store in Harvard Square, so I went in early to get my tea. They sell their tea in grams, not pounds, so I always have to stop and think about the conversion, but last night I was too tired to ask for it in grams, but I thought I remembered how much I had paid the last time. So I asked the person at the counter for $25.00 worth of bin 212 (which is the Harvard Square Earl Grey) because I said I couldn't remember how many grams. He did a quick price check and said, "That's 250 grams. That's a lot of tea." I was struck by how odd it seemed to me that he would think that. He's selling tea, after all. I said, "I have a tin that size that it fits in, and that way I don't have to worry about running out and having to get it so often."
I realized that the whole thing around loose tea and this particular flavored tea has layers of meaning for me. I calculated that if I bought boxes of bagged tea, instead of loose, that I could get 6 months of tea for the same $25 that currently lasts me two months. So, I started to do that as I was looking for ways to save money as I started back to school. But then it seemed like I had to buy tea every time I went to the store, and I don't really have room in my cupboard to store two months worth of boxed tea. So I went back to buying loose tea. In reflection now, I realize that I like the ritual of putting the loose tea in the tea ball in the morning. I like being a "real" tea drinker with a teapot--it feels like part of a heritage of tea and civility, and soothing, and a tea bag doesn't quite meet those ritual requirements. Making tea is also a part of my morning quiet/meditation time, so it is a part of that ritual, so the ritual elements of the making are important somehow. I like having an abundant supply of tea in the cupboard so that I don't feel like I'm operating from scarcity. I like going into the tea store and asking for my favorite blend. I like that personal interaction around this symbol of civility and spaciousness, rather than throwing the box on the conveyor at the grocery store.
The hymn that came to mind as I was thinking about this and about the reading from Gerald May that talked about spaciousness again was what I used as my morning prayer:
O grant us, God, a little space from daily tasks set free.
We meet within this holy place and find security.
Around us rolls the ceaseless tide of business, toil, and care.
And scarcely can we turn aside for one brief hour of prayer.
Yet this is not the only place your presence may be found;
On daily work you shed your grace, and blessings all around.
Yours are the workplace, home and mart, the wealth of sea and land;
The worlds of science and of art are fashioned by your hand.
Work shall be prayer, if all be wrought as you would have it done;
And prayer, by you inspired and taught, shall then with work be one.
(New Century Hymnal, #516, text by John Ellerton, adapted)
May each of us find some places and moments and ways to be spacious. May you clear space, pause, and open yourself to the power that you have when you let the Divine and Holy be in your heart and life. And the next time you have a cup of tea, I hope that you take some space too.
p.s. How do we make Sabbath happen for ourselves as ministers or caregivers while we create it for others? See "Unhurried Worship" for some ideas. Alternatively, reflect on this story by Barbara Brown Taylor, and what it says to you about taking time for yourself.
We meet within this holy place and find security.
Around us rolls the ceaseless tide of business, toil, and care.
And scarcely can we turn aside for one brief hour of prayer.
Yet this is not the only place your presence may be found;
On daily work you shed your grace, and blessings all around.
Yours are the workplace, home and mart, the wealth of sea and land;
The worlds of science and of art are fashioned by your hand.
Work shall be prayer, if all be wrought as you would have it done;
And prayer, by you inspired and taught, shall then with work be one.
(New Century Hymnal, #516, text by John Ellerton, adapted)
May each of us find some places and moments and ways to be spacious. May you clear space, pause, and open yourself to the power that you have when you let the Divine and Holy be in your heart and life. And the next time you have a cup of tea, I hope that you take some space too.
p.s. How do we make Sabbath happen for ourselves as ministers or caregivers while we create it for others? See "Unhurried Worship" for some ideas. Alternatively, reflect on this story by Barbara Brown Taylor, and what it says to you about taking time for yourself.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Creating: Play/Holy Play
"The most delightful – and revolutionary – action of all is play.
We are not just creature, but creator."
Holy Play by Kirk Byron Jones
If we are created in God's image, and God is a creator, then one of our first and primal callings is to create. But we forget how. Or we just forget to. As children we knew how to play and create. Try this exercise to remind yourself and to remember:
You'll need a blank piece of paper (or several) and some crayons or fat colored markers.
Can I Come Out and Play? From Spiritual Doodles and Mental Leapfrog by Katherine Revoir
"Here is an exercise that allows you to be present for your inner expressive child. Have a conversation with him or her. Your dominant hand speaks as the "adult you" and your non-dominant hand speaks as the child. With your dominant hand, write out a question for your expressive child, like "what do you want to do today?" Then without think, let your non-dominant hand answer, in words and/or pictures. Allow the child's voice to flow, without controlling or monitoring it. Ask what he or she wants to be called. Then see what the picture or words have to tell you. You can use this approach to be in touch with your inner creative child any time."
This exercise can free you to hear your playful self, your first creative self. It also can be used in a reflective way to explore feelings that are otherwise hard to express. Remember that your child might use pictures rather than words.
If you are interested in some of theories about creativity check out this website by author David Ulrich. "Picasso said: 'Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.' Creativity is a way of life and is not the exclusive domain of artists, writers, and scientists. It is the birthright of every human being."
We are not just creature, but creator."
Holy Play by Kirk Byron Jones
If we are created in God's image, and God is a creator, then one of our first and primal callings is to create. But we forget how. Or we just forget to. As children we knew how to play and create. Try this exercise to remind yourself and to remember:
You'll need a blank piece of paper (or several) and some crayons or fat colored markers.
Can I Come Out and Play? From Spiritual Doodles and Mental Leapfrog by Katherine Revoir
"Here is an exercise that allows you to be present for your inner expressive child. Have a conversation with him or her. Your dominant hand speaks as the "adult you" and your non-dominant hand speaks as the child. With your dominant hand, write out a question for your expressive child, like "what do you want to do today?" Then without think, let your non-dominant hand answer, in words and/or pictures. Allow the child's voice to flow, without controlling or monitoring it. Ask what he or she wants to be called. Then see what the picture or words have to tell you. You can use this approach to be in touch with your inner creative child any time."
This exercise can free you to hear your playful self, your first creative self. It also can be used in a reflective way to explore feelings that are otherwise hard to express. Remember that your child might use pictures rather than words.
If you are interested in some of theories about creativity check out this website by author David Ulrich. "Picasso said: 'Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.' Creativity is a way of life and is not the exclusive domain of artists, writers, and scientists. It is the birthright of every human being."
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Grieving: relieving suffering
There is some wonderful writing and resources about grief, and many of the techniques that we have already discussed can be effective tools in grieving. This excerpt lists a number of them.
Book Review by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat
Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart
by Stephen Levine
"Feelings of loss don't go away; they go deeper. When we lose or never exercise what we need or love, we call the hard contraction in the mind and body 'suffering,' " writes Levine. This apathy and angst can be alleviated by spiritual exercises designed to heal the mind, body, and soul. They include breathing exercises, keeping a grief journal, tracking sorrow through the body, talking to the dead, walking, silence, attending the mindset of loss, breaking the isolation of fear, forgiveness, overcoming perfection, singing, saying goodbye to loved ones through "heart speech," practicing loving-kindness, tapping the heart to draw awareness and healing into that area (see excerpt), and much more.
Levine outlines the three stages to working with mental and physical sorrow: softening the pain, cultivating mercy, and making peace with loss. We liked the mantra he suggests for those who are unhinged by chronic sorrow: "May I get the most out of this possible." We also were gratified to see Levine emphasize the importance of opening the heart through love, compassion, and forgiveness — three spiritual practices that are always emphasized in the religious traditions as curative and restorative measures.
Book Review by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat
Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart
by Stephen Levine
"Feelings of loss don't go away; they go deeper. When we lose or never exercise what we need or love, we call the hard contraction in the mind and body 'suffering,' " writes Levine. This apathy and angst can be alleviated by spiritual exercises designed to heal the mind, body, and soul. They include breathing exercises, keeping a grief journal, tracking sorrow through the body, talking to the dead, walking, silence, attending the mindset of loss, breaking the isolation of fear, forgiveness, overcoming perfection, singing, saying goodbye to loved ones through "heart speech," practicing loving-kindness, tapping the heart to draw awareness and healing into that area (see excerpt), and much more.
Levine outlines the three stages to working with mental and physical sorrow: softening the pain, cultivating mercy, and making peace with loss. We liked the mantra he suggests for those who are unhinged by chronic sorrow: "May I get the most out of this possible." We also were gratified to see Levine emphasize the importance of opening the heart through love, compassion, and forgiveness — three spiritual practices that are always emphasized in the religious traditions as curative and restorative measures.
Grieving: sharing loss, giving comfort
Scriptures: Matthew 5: 4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
--What has been the most comfort for you on an occasion of a loss or a death?
--What could or did your community do best in that kind of occasion? What have you done for others who are grieving?
Scriptures: Philippians 4: 4-7
--How do you feel about sharing your joys or sorrows with someone else? What in your faith makes it possible for you to share your joy or your grief with another? What would make it easier for you to share with another?
Practices:
In sharing your stories of joys and sorrows, I invite you to think about your own calling to ministries of comfort.
"In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" (Matt. 5:4). The original Greek translated here as "those who mourn," hoi penthountes, implies active lamenting: crying, wailing. A few modern versions retain this active sense: the Russian plachushchie, and, in a slightly different sense, the German die da Leid tragen. But many other contemporary translations reshape the active mourning into a passive state of feelings. Here, then, is a place where theological presuppositions have very likely influenced the translation of a word, the meaning of which, in the original language, falls clearly on the active side.
The necessity for actively grieving losses is obvious. We may choose not to grieve, but inevitably we do so to our own detriment, if not to our emotional and spiritual peril. … Those who bury their grief, put on a brave face for all the world to see, neither invite nor allow the kind of care that can bring comfort. Those who do mourn may be comforted. But grieving is and must be optional even though the feeling response of grief is not. … In nonclinical terms this principle means that we are not to violate a person's reluctance to grieve even when we know it would be better for that person to do so.
The beatitude places sorrow-bearing at the center of Christian discipleship. On that matter there are no options. Those who claim Jesus as Lord bear the grief of others because they belong to a Lord who suffers and who in his suffering reveals God as one who suffers. The beatitude makes a telling demand on caregivers. We cannot turn from sorrow. We cannot ignore those who grieve." (Kenneth R. Mitchell & Herbert Anderson, All Our Losses, All Our Griefs, Louisville, KY: Westminster/John Knox Press, 1983, p. 165-6)
Often just being there is all that is necessary.
Writing a note that says "Thinking of you," "You are in my prayers," means a lot.
Asking: "how are you?" and really taking the time to listen for the answer can be a great gift to someone who is grieving.
Later, this might mean asking the widow to dinner even when there are couples and the numbers are uneven so that her social network doesn't vanish.
It might be making a note of the dates of people's losses and sending them a card on the anniversary of those losses.
It often means sitting with our own discomfort about loss and grief, and remembering that in comforting another, we can invite the Comforter to be with us as well, while allowing them the space and time to talk. "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near."
When we think about the rituals that surround grieving a death, they often include space and time to share memories of the person who died. Clearly this is important and cathartic to remember the good, the bad, the funny, the intimate, the essence of the person.
Understanding and confronting the good and the bad about other losses is equally important. What ways have you shared stories about your losses? What ritual could you do with someone to help you in this?
--What has been the most comfort for you on an occasion of a loss or a death?
--What could or did your community do best in that kind of occasion? What have you done for others who are grieving?
Scriptures: Philippians 4: 4-7
--How do you feel about sharing your joys or sorrows with someone else? What in your faith makes it possible for you to share your joy or your grief with another? What would make it easier for you to share with another?
Practices:
In sharing your stories of joys and sorrows, I invite you to think about your own calling to ministries of comfort.
"In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" (Matt. 5:4). The original Greek translated here as "those who mourn," hoi penthountes, implies active lamenting: crying, wailing. A few modern versions retain this active sense: the Russian plachushchie, and, in a slightly different sense, the German die da Leid tragen. But many other contemporary translations reshape the active mourning into a passive state of feelings. Here, then, is a place where theological presuppositions have very likely influenced the translation of a word, the meaning of which, in the original language, falls clearly on the active side.
The necessity for actively grieving losses is obvious. We may choose not to grieve, but inevitably we do so to our own detriment, if not to our emotional and spiritual peril. … Those who bury their grief, put on a brave face for all the world to see, neither invite nor allow the kind of care that can bring comfort. Those who do mourn may be comforted. But grieving is and must be optional even though the feeling response of grief is not. … In nonclinical terms this principle means that we are not to violate a person's reluctance to grieve even when we know it would be better for that person to do so.
The beatitude places sorrow-bearing at the center of Christian discipleship. On that matter there are no options. Those who claim Jesus as Lord bear the grief of others because they belong to a Lord who suffers and who in his suffering reveals God as one who suffers. The beatitude makes a telling demand on caregivers. We cannot turn from sorrow. We cannot ignore those who grieve." (Kenneth R. Mitchell & Herbert Anderson, All Our Losses, All Our Griefs, Louisville, KY: Westminster/John Knox Press, 1983, p. 165-6)
Often just being there is all that is necessary.
Writing a note that says "Thinking of you," "You are in my prayers," means a lot.
Asking: "how are you?" and really taking the time to listen for the answer can be a great gift to someone who is grieving.
Later, this might mean asking the widow to dinner even when there are couples and the numbers are uneven so that her social network doesn't vanish.
It might be making a note of the dates of people's losses and sending them a card on the anniversary of those losses.
It often means sitting with our own discomfort about loss and grief, and remembering that in comforting another, we can invite the Comforter to be with us as well, while allowing them the space and time to talk. "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near."
When we think about the rituals that surround grieving a death, they often include space and time to share memories of the person who died. Clearly this is important and cathartic to remember the good, the bad, the funny, the intimate, the essence of the person.
Understanding and confronting the good and the bad about other losses is equally important. What ways have you shared stories about your losses? What ritual could you do with someone to help you in this?
Grieving: anger. Anger in the Bible?
--Is it okay to show anger? When is it okay? Is it okay to be angry with God? In this scripture: Psalm 13: 1-6, the Psalmist certainly is.
--When you have suffered a loss, how and at whom are you angry? Have you expressed that anger? How have you worked through that anger?
I believe one of the great strengths of the Christian tradition is the embodied Christ with all of the weaknesses and foibles that having a body entails. Jesus is sometimes angry, tired, sad, vulnerable and just plain ornery, and we can appreciate his example in these things as well as his example when he is loving, accepting, working for justice, healing the broken hearted, feeding the poor, and welcoming the stranger.
What do you think other traditions do well or provide as models for allowing for anger in grieving?
What is "good" anger? So-called righteous anger is often used as a club to bully or oppress others. Yet anger is a normal emotion. How we deal with it in ourselves and in others is the key.
"When we suffer a loss, we are angry. We are in pain and we want to push the pain away. 'When a loved one dies, leaving you lonely and afraid of what your future will bring, you have every reason to be angry. You don't have to apologize about that; it's okay to be angry. What's not okay is taking your anger out unfairly on yourself or others.' In a loss due to death, you can be angry for many reasons, at a number of things: at the medical staff for not responding as you thought they should, at friends or relatives who seemed insensitive or unhelpful, at the person who died and left you behind facing a lot, at God for not answering your prayers in the way you wanted them answered, at yourself, or at your change in roles or life-style or loss of control.
How have you expressed that anger? What has worked? What good ways to express anger have you tried: physical things to work off energy, yelling into a tape recorder, letter writing, destroying old phone books or throwing cheap dishes into a trash pile, or talking to a friend? Make a list of everything and everyone that makes you mad and prioritize those that make you the most mad, then see if you can do anything constructive about those. Just making the list can be helpful. Seek professional help and support if your anger is out of control. 'And it's okay to be angry with God. God can take it.'" (Helen Fitzgerald, The Mourning Handbook, New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994, p. 86-91)
--When you have suffered a loss, how and at whom are you angry? Have you expressed that anger? How have you worked through that anger?
I believe one of the great strengths of the Christian tradition is the embodied Christ with all of the weaknesses and foibles that having a body entails. Jesus is sometimes angry, tired, sad, vulnerable and just plain ornery, and we can appreciate his example in these things as well as his example when he is loving, accepting, working for justice, healing the broken hearted, feeding the poor, and welcoming the stranger.
What do you think other traditions do well or provide as models for allowing for anger in grieving?
What is "good" anger? So-called righteous anger is often used as a club to bully or oppress others. Yet anger is a normal emotion. How we deal with it in ourselves and in others is the key.
"When we suffer a loss, we are angry. We are in pain and we want to push the pain away. 'When a loved one dies, leaving you lonely and afraid of what your future will bring, you have every reason to be angry. You don't have to apologize about that; it's okay to be angry. What's not okay is taking your anger out unfairly on yourself or others.' In a loss due to death, you can be angry for many reasons, at a number of things: at the medical staff for not responding as you thought they should, at friends or relatives who seemed insensitive or unhelpful, at the person who died and left you behind facing a lot, at God for not answering your prayers in the way you wanted them answered, at yourself, or at your change in roles or life-style or loss of control.
How have you expressed that anger? What has worked? What good ways to express anger have you tried: physical things to work off energy, yelling into a tape recorder, letter writing, destroying old phone books or throwing cheap dishes into a trash pile, or talking to a friend? Make a list of everything and everyone that makes you mad and prioritize those that make you the most mad, then see if you can do anything constructive about those. Just making the list can be helpful. Seek professional help and support if your anger is out of control. 'And it's okay to be angry with God. God can take it.'" (Helen Fitzgerald, The Mourning Handbook, New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994, p. 86-91)
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Forgiveness rituals
I was reminded after today's discussion of the power of ritual to heal, and thought of a couple of personal rituals that you might do to let go of hurt and anger. You could also ask friends to join you in these rituals.
Write what hurt you on a small piece of paper. Go to a body of water (running water if possible), wrap the paper around a rock, say a prayer asking for release, and throw the rock in. Use newspaper or newsprint as being most biodegradable.
You could instead take the piece of paper that you've written on, and mindfully, prayerfully, get out a plate, light candles and then fold and light the piece of paper on fire (mindfully, carefully) and put it on the plate, so that your hurt or anger goes up in smoke. Then wash the plate to cleanse away the ashes of what remains.
What other variations can you think of?
We also need to think about setting limits because forgiveness is not forgetting or consenting to be a doormat. You could also use an origami paper box as a way of framing your limits--write them inside what will be the folds, and then fold up your hurts inside those limits.
You could also write what you want to let go of on a piece of paper that you fold into a boat and then you could set it floating away. Perhaps we'll combine some of these things when we get to the practice of creating and fostering creativity.
A perhaps apocryphal, but wonderful, origami forgiveness story is about the young girl from Hiroshima who folded a thousand peace cranes in a quest for peace.
Write what hurt you on a small piece of paper. Go to a body of water (running water if possible), wrap the paper around a rock, say a prayer asking for release, and throw the rock in. Use newspaper or newsprint as being most biodegradable.
You could instead take the piece of paper that you've written on, and mindfully, prayerfully, get out a plate, light candles and then fold and light the piece of paper on fire (mindfully, carefully) and put it on the plate, so that your hurt or anger goes up in smoke. Then wash the plate to cleanse away the ashes of what remains.
What other variations can you think of?
We also need to think about setting limits because forgiveness is not forgetting or consenting to be a doormat. You could also use an origami paper box as a way of framing your limits--write them inside what will be the folds, and then fold up your hurts inside those limits.
You could also write what you want to let go of on a piece of paper that you fold into a boat and then you could set it floating away. Perhaps we'll combine some of these things when we get to the practice of creating and fostering creativity.
A perhaps apocryphal, but wonderful, origami forgiveness story is about the young girl from Hiroshima who folded a thousand peace cranes in a quest for peace.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Forgiveness: the practice and the dance
"Practicing forgiveness can produce dramatic transformations in our imaginations and the psychological, social and political horizons of our lives." --L. Gregory Jones
In Practicing Our Faith, ed. by Dorothy Bass, Jones writes, "The practice of forgiveness is not simply a one-time action or an isolated feeling or thought. Forgiveness involves us in a whole way of life that is shaped by an ever-deepening friendship with God and with other people. The central goal of this practice is to reconcile, to restore communion - with God, with one another, and with the whole creation. Forgiveness works through our ongoing willingness to give up certain claims against one another, to give the truth when we access our relationships with one another, and to give gifts of ourselves by making innovative gestures that offer a future not bound by the past."
He describes forgiveness as a dance. Once we know the steps we can do them more rapidly and vary the sequence. As we are learning it is good to take it more slowly.
The Dance of Forgiveness from Practicing Our Faith, p. 138-9
a. We become willing to speak truthfully and patiently about the conflicts that have arisen.
b. We acknowledge both the existence of anger and bitterness and a desire to overcome them.
c. We summon up a concern for the well-being of the other, as a fellow human being, or as a child of God.
d. We recognize our own complicity in conflict, remember that we have been forgiven in the past, and take the step of repentance.
e. We make a commitment to struggle to change whatever caused and continues to perpetuate our conflicts.
f. We confess our yearning for the possibility of reconciliation.
What truth have you not spoken?
What anger or bitterness are you carrying?
How can you acknowledge the other?
What is your part in the issue, if only holding on?
What can you change?
Do you want reconciliation or only revenge?
So is your dance of forgiveness a waltz, the twist, a tango, or something else?
In Practicing Our Faith, ed. by Dorothy Bass, Jones writes, "The practice of forgiveness is not simply a one-time action or an isolated feeling or thought. Forgiveness involves us in a whole way of life that is shaped by an ever-deepening friendship with God and with other people. The central goal of this practice is to reconcile, to restore communion - with God, with one another, and with the whole creation. Forgiveness works through our ongoing willingness to give up certain claims against one another, to give the truth when we access our relationships with one another, and to give gifts of ourselves by making innovative gestures that offer a future not bound by the past."
He describes forgiveness as a dance. Once we know the steps we can do them more rapidly and vary the sequence. As we are learning it is good to take it more slowly.
The Dance of Forgiveness from Practicing Our Faith, p. 138-9
a. We become willing to speak truthfully and patiently about the conflicts that have arisen.
b. We acknowledge both the existence of anger and bitterness and a desire to overcome them.
c. We summon up a concern for the well-being of the other, as a fellow human being, or as a child of God.
d. We recognize our own complicity in conflict, remember that we have been forgiven in the past, and take the step of repentance.
e. We make a commitment to struggle to change whatever caused and continues to perpetuate our conflicts.
f. We confess our yearning for the possibility of reconciliation.
What truth have you not spoken?
What anger or bitterness are you carrying?
How can you acknowledge the other?
What is your part in the issue, if only holding on?
What can you change?
Do you want reconciliation or only revenge?
So is your dance of forgiveness a waltz, the twist, a tango, or something else?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Gratitude: saying thank you as a spiritual discipline
Say thank you.
In public.
In private.
Often.
When it's unexpected. (Read this wonderful story about how one person said thank you as a spiritual discipline with amazing results.)
Here are ways to practice and recognize the power of giving thanks:
Option 1: Say a sincere thank you to someone each day this week. That means you have to be aware, notice the gift and say thank you.
Option 2: Send one thank you card a week for the next 3 weeks for things you appreciated but forgot to say thank you for.
Option 3: Spend some time and collect notes for your own Wow folder. Review them before you do your gratitude journal.
Option 4: Create a thank you, you are welcoming, grateful place to be:
--keep a drawer or folder or box that contains your gratitude journal, a pen,
--your Wow folder: the thank you notes or emails that you have received in appreciation or for good work,
--and a supply of stamps and blank thank you notes or cards that you can send to others.
In public.
In private.
Often.
When it's unexpected. (Read this wonderful story about how one person said thank you as a spiritual discipline with amazing results.)
Here are ways to practice and recognize the power of giving thanks:
Option 1: Say a sincere thank you to someone each day this week. That means you have to be aware, notice the gift and say thank you.
Option 2: Send one thank you card a week for the next 3 weeks for things you appreciated but forgot to say thank you for.
Option 3: Spend some time and collect notes for your own Wow folder. Review them before you do your gratitude journal.
Option 4: Create a thank you, you are welcoming, grateful place to be:
--keep a drawer or folder or box that contains your gratitude journal, a pen,
--your Wow folder: the thank you notes or emails that you have received in appreciation or for good work,
--and a supply of stamps and blank thank you notes or cards that you can send to others.
Gratitude: the essential first tool
In 2002, I had a stretch where everywhere I turned the focus was on gratitude: psychological research on being grateful, practices of gratitude, songs, scripture, radio talk shows, until I finally got the message: gratitude matters. Gratitude is central to emotional and spiritual well-being. So I'm going to ask you to retrace with me, as much as I am able, some of those things that woke me up.
I heard about the gratitude journal or read about it as a recommendation from Oprah Winfrey, and even heard about it at a work seminar, and then I started reading Sara Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy. She introduces the idea of a gratitude journal. "All the other principles that can transform your life will not blossom and flourish without gratitude." (Jan. 14 entry) ... The gratitude journal is not optional.
Get a blank book or journal or notebook. Each day write down five things that you are grateful for. She does it at night. I start my day with it. Some days they are big, most days they are simple joys. Sometimes five things come very quickly, and I add a sixth or seventh. Other days it takes a while and I have to resort to flipping back through to remind myself of what I have to be grateful for. What matters most is doing it regularly. It took a couple of tries, but I have now been doing this practice for five years. I have notebooks that are cheap spiral memopads and fancy blank books. I prefer small ones to fit the pocket of my overnight bag, because no matter where I am, this is part of my morning ritual. It could be a nighttime ritual too.
But just do it!
I heard about the gratitude journal or read about it as a recommendation from Oprah Winfrey, and even heard about it at a work seminar, and then I started reading Sara Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy. She introduces the idea of a gratitude journal. "All the other principles that can transform your life will not blossom and flourish without gratitude." (Jan. 14 entry) ... The gratitude journal is not optional.
Get a blank book or journal or notebook. Each day write down five things that you are grateful for. She does it at night. I start my day with it. Some days they are big, most days they are simple joys. Sometimes five things come very quickly, and I add a sixth or seventh. Other days it takes a while and I have to resort to flipping back through to remind myself of what I have to be grateful for. What matters most is doing it regularly. It took a couple of tries, but I have now been doing this practice for five years. I have notebooks that are cheap spiral memopads and fancy blank books. I prefer small ones to fit the pocket of my overnight bag, because no matter where I am, this is part of my morning ritual. It could be a nighttime ritual too.
But just do it!
Friday, September 14, 2007
Building awareness this week: mindfulness exercises
Do one exercise on mindfulness each day. Some of them take an hour; many of them take just 5-10 minutes. So you can find the time! Breathing is very portable, too. You have everything you need with you. :-)
Either pick one of the exercises of mindfulness and do it all week or try a different one each day. Part of this exploration is to find practices and exercises that work for you in your life, in the company of a community of support.
Full descriptions of each of the exercises we did together, plus additional ones, can be found in the blog archive to the right, so click on a heading to read or review. Please add your comments on how you are doing below the blog description of the exercise you're doing. What worked? What didn't? What did you notice?
Consider contacting another person from the group and at least one day between now and the next session spend 10 or more minutes together, breathing, listening, or walking.
There are also links embedded in many of the blog articles, as well as a list of links for further exploration to the right. Explore! Enjoy!
Either pick one of the exercises of mindfulness and do it all week or try a different one each day. Part of this exploration is to find practices and exercises that work for you in your life, in the company of a community of support.
Full descriptions of each of the exercises we did together, plus additional ones, can be found in the blog archive to the right, so click on a heading to read or review. Please add your comments on how you are doing below the blog description of the exercise you're doing. What worked? What didn't? What did you notice?
Consider contacting another person from the group and at least one day between now and the next session spend 10 or more minutes together, breathing, listening, or walking.
There are also links embedded in many of the blog articles, as well as a list of links for further exploration to the right. Explore! Enjoy!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
As we start
How many of you ever played a musical instrument? Learned your multiplication tables? Participated in a sport? What was the key? Practice.
These are practices, not perfection. That means that you can just try them, without expecting to get them "right" the first time. You can change the way you do them from one time to the next. In order for them to be effective, you need to do them again and again. You will figure out what works for you, just as you did when learning your scales, your throw or swing or steps, or 4 times 8.
I have found that there are exercises that I can do by myself, and then there are exercises that are a lot more enjoyable if I do them with others. As a busy adult, I am a big fan of exercises that I can do in short amounts of time, without much equipment, in small spaces. But there are exercises that I used to do and that some of my friends still love that just need more time, equipment and space. We will explore exercises for emotional, mental and spiritual health that you can do alone or with others, in five minutes or in an hour or a day, anywhere or in a special place.
Because your mind, heart and soul exist in your body, many of these exercises have a physical component, sometimes active and energetic, and sometimes slower and quiet. As with all exercise programs, you should pay attention to any pain and what it tells you.
My hope is that you will find some exercises that you can incorporate into your life on a regular basis that help you reduce the effects of stress and tension,
that in using these practices of reflection, relaxation and restoration you are more fully yourself and whole,
and that in doing these as a group or community that we can support one another and foster an awareness of what is emotional, mental and spiritual health and well-being.
These are practices, not perfection. That means that you can just try them, without expecting to get them "right" the first time. You can change the way you do them from one time to the next. In order for them to be effective, you need to do them again and again. You will figure out what works for you, just as you did when learning your scales, your throw or swing or steps, or 4 times 8.
I have found that there are exercises that I can do by myself, and then there are exercises that are a lot more enjoyable if I do them with others. As a busy adult, I am a big fan of exercises that I can do in short amounts of time, without much equipment, in small spaces. But there are exercises that I used to do and that some of my friends still love that just need more time, equipment and space. We will explore exercises for emotional, mental and spiritual health that you can do alone or with others, in five minutes or in an hour or a day, anywhere or in a special place.
Because your mind, heart and soul exist in your body, many of these exercises have a physical component, sometimes active and energetic, and sometimes slower and quiet. As with all exercise programs, you should pay attention to any pain and what it tells you.
My hope is that you will find some exercises that you can incorporate into your life on a regular basis that help you reduce the effects of stress and tension,
that in using these practices of reflection, relaxation and restoration you are more fully yourself and whole,
and that in doing these as a group or community that we can support one another and foster an awareness of what is emotional, mental and spiritual health and well-being.
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